As we see from last week we looked through the theology of marriage and how before the fall God put Adam in the garden and Eve as his “Comparable Helper” simply meaning that they were equals in dignity, value, worth and Salvation but have differing roles, neither is greater or lesser but different.
Sin enters in and the problems start, husbands drop the ball, they fail to lead, serve and love their wives and families which negatively affects the women and their capability to respect and trust their husbands.
Then we come to these passages in New Testament about husbands and wives.
Col 3:18-19
Eph 5:22-33
1st Peter 3:1-7
Really these passages are not just talking about the family structure but they are in essence telling men and women what the makeup of their spouse is and how to deal with them.
When we look at the Biblical commands we have to see there are at least three reasons why God gives us these
1. Glorify God
2. Glorify my spouse
3. Have a Christ centered marriage that can be an example to others
To sum it we have Eph 5:33 Unconditional love Men are commanded to love because it is not their tendency and women are commanded to unconditionally respect because it is not their tendency.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book with this being the main topic, called Love and Respect
Men’s deepest need is to be respected, and women’s deepest need is to be loved.
Without Love the wife reacts in disrespect without respect the husband reacts unloving. Calls this the Crazy Cycle (Eggerichs)
Respect- Esteem for or a sense of worth or excellence of a person.
Wives are called to respect their husband due to the position they hold
Love-affection for another person
Husbands are called to respect their wives due to the position they hold.
Unconditional love Unconditional respect
This is misunderstood, because we feel that respect is something earned and love is something owed.
We do not accuse women as being prim donnas for wanting to loved but men are accuse of being arrogant if they want respect.
What if the man is not respectable?
Two Choices. 1. Find things to respect or 2. Continue the cycle and nothing will change.
Same if your wife is not lovable?
Be a student of your spouse. What makes your spouse tick?
Painting the living room ill Love and respect
Its all in communication “Can you live with this color”
How to disrespect your husband…
1. Compare him to other guys (guys hate the Chick Flick movie guy) Eph 5:33
2. Remind him of his faults and correct him 1 Peter 3:1
Wives see the correction of their husbands as an act of love to help them be more loving, husbands see it as an belittling and treating him like a child. The two responses of a man can either be he puts up walls (whatever attitude, nothing is good enough) or he starts to act like one of the kids. Both of these options leave the wife feeling like she is doing everything alone. (unloved)
3. Nag him to change.
Wives will complain and criticize and husbands will “stonewall” in an attempt to keep from losing it and dishonoring himself. Women feel this “stonewalling” is an unloving act.
Contentious women Proverbs 21:9, 21:19, 25:24 Dripping 19:13, 27:15
4. Ridicule him to other people (if he is a dope what does that make you for marrying him?) Pro 12:4
This is why men seek to be respected outside the home.
Ill pg 68 (photo copy) extreme situation
How to be unloving toward your wife…
1. Don’t listen to her when she is sharing her feelings. 1Peter 3:7 “understanding” “weaker vessel” emotional
2. Stonewall her when you have a disagreement or yell. 1 Sam 25:3 Nabal the Lord condemns a harsh man Malachi 2:14-15
3. Make her in charge of everything from raising the kids to your schedule (women will do this and first think it is great, because they feel in charge, but eventually they feel alone)
Illustration A husband who makes his wife work. What is your problem.
4. Don’t do anything special for her Proverbs 5:18 Rejoice in wife
Who should go first? To the men I say men, to the women I say women
Phil 2 The mature one
Story of love and a husband going first on page 98 (photocopy)
Some may say that is humiliating (what about what Jesus did for you) GOSPEL
What if you don’t get the love? What if you don’t get the respect
Matt. 5:38-46 sentiment of Christ is go the extra mile.
An important aspect of this change in the relationship is see things from your spouses perspective.
The sentiment of Christ’s teaching is concentrate on yourself and your responses and your short comings, don’t play the blame game.
It is not your job to change your spouse it is just your job to be obedient to Jesus.
Forgiveness Matt 18:22, Eph 4:32
John 8:7 remember that you have sinned against your spouse as well
Next week being a respectable man, and being a lovable women
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